Vanessa Paradis Blames The End Of VaJohnny On Amber Heard....

This piece of gossip comes from the chronicle of journalistic integrity that is the British tabloid Now Magazine (via DM), so it's obviously made of one hundred percent truthfulness and you should submit it to the CNN tip line after you're done here. No joke, it was probably on CNN this morning. So, you know how the tabloids painted Vanessa Paradis as a crusty, nagging, fun-hating witch who drove Johnny Depp into Amber Heard's twat  of solace by whining at him about everything? Well, a source tells Now that Vanessa has stopped screaming at Johnny and is cursing Amber Heard's name instead. I feel a cover of "The Boy Is Mine" called "The Hobo Is Mine" by Vanessa & Amber coming on. The source puts it like this:

"Vanessa's devastated that Johnny's dumped her. She blames Amber and calls her a man-stealing, two-bit nobody and has vowed to not let her anywhere near their children."

A two-bit nobody? Since when does Vanessa talk like a character from Mama's Family? Vanessa should've went all the way by calling her a two-bit nobody tramp harlot from around the way.

Since I only look at the superficial layer of any situation, I see shit like this. Vanessa had Johnny at the height of his freshness and supreme hotness, and Amber Heard, if she's doing him, has him when he's looking like the way he's looking now. It's kind of like if I ate a freshly made Double Double from In-N-Out twenty minutes ago and started foaming at the mouth with jealous rage when somebody sat next to me and started nibbling on a half-eaten, stale, moldy, Double Double they found in the dumpster. Okay, it's nothing like that, because I'd still make jealous eyes at a trick eating a rotten Double Double and I'd still hit current day Johnny Depp. Scratch everything I said and just look at these pictures from the Paris Cinema Festival of Vanessa looking like the Evil Spirit from the Care Bears movie.

Source: http://dlisted.com/2012/07/11/vanessa-paradis-blames-end-vajohnny-amber-heard

Jennifer Aniston Kim Kardashian Bruce Willis

[ Fashion & Accessories ] Open Question : Looking for a piece of jewelry, not sure how to look for it?

When I was back in high school, I bought a necklace that I absolutely loved. It was kind of a choker, with stainless steel, 1/2" balls making up the chain. I recently lost it, and I was wondering if anybody knew where to find one? I checked on Amazon, but all I could find was the really small ones. The largest was 2.4mm. Did they have an actual name, and I just missed it? Help please!

Source: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20120711225818AAjrqnj

Nicole Kidman Paris Hilton Anne Hathaway

Kourtney Kardashian Welcomes A Girl

Kourtney and her boyfriend, Scott Disick, welcomed their second child together, a daughter named Penelope Scotland!\ addCustomPlayer('1xtvpwhgn455g1a12sbss32edu', '2D5CEC7F123744819B6DE4CE726F6B51', 'fm94zehveevc1by3yrezjnpmr', 425, 320, 'perf1xtvpwhgn455g1a12sbss32edu-fm94zehveevc1by3yrezjnpmr', 'eplayer15');

Source: http://www.celebtv.com/kourtney-kardashian-welcomes-girl

James Franco Ashton Kutcher Charlie Sheen

Bow Down To His Cosmic Royal Highness

In the real-life video game passed off as a religion called Scientology, Tommy Girl's name is near the top of the leaderboard at the end credits, because he's almost beat every villain (including sanity), unlocked every achievement and most importantly, has written the biggest check. (Truth: a TRUE queen buys her title!) In an 11-page expose on Scientology in Rolling Stone , the author of Inside Scientology: The Story of America's Most Secretive Religion, Janet Reitman, writes about the inner workings of Scientology's hierarchy and says that Little Lord Tommy sits in on a gilded high chair on a throne in the church's royal court. Tommy has almost climbed to the top of the Bridge to Terabithia, or whatever the hell those crazies call it, and is now one of the main queens, so you better curtsy at his platform heels.

Being one of the HAIC (head aliens in charge) has given Tommy more powers than all of the True Blood bitches combined. You know how Sookeh Stackhouse thinks her fairy vagina has some real powers? Well, her fairy vagina has nothing on Tommy's fairy vagina. Janet writes that Tommy is an OT VII and is near the top of Scientology's Bridge to Total Freedom:

OTs are Scientology's elite ? enlightened beings who are said to have total "control" over themselves and their environment. OTs can allegedly move inanimate objects with their minds, leave their bodies at will and telepathically communicate with, and control the behavior of, both animals and human beings. At the highest levels, they are allegedly liberated from the physical universe, to the point where they can psychically control what Scientologists call MEST: Matter, Energy, Space and Time.

Thetan, please. The only thing Tommy has an affect on is MLFN: My Last Fucking Nerve.

If Tommy read a book from the YA Science Fiction section at a Barnes & Noble, he would've ended up with the same information and the same amount of special powers: NONE. Bitch thinks he's Evie Garland and shit.

Tommy can't leave his body at will, because if he could he'd permanently move into a taller one. Tommy can't control inanimate objects with his mind, because if he could he wouldn't have to psychically straighten his butt plug every time it shifted while he walked. Tommy can't control the behavior of animals, because if he could he'd give himself a good cackle by making the tortured beast on John Travolta's head jump in public. Tommy can't read the minds of humans, because if he could he wouldn't have busted out an "OH SNAP, GURL!" when Katie filed for divorce.

Tommy is taking part in the most expensive and creepiest role-playing games ever, but if it makes him happy, then I say keep jumping up that bridge to nowhere, bitch.

Source: http://dlisted.com/2012/07/11/bow-down-his-cosmic-royal-highness

Lindsay Lohan Natalie Portman Nicole Kidman

Carly Rae Jepsen Nude Photo Scandal?

Reps for the “Call Me Maybe” singer are denying that the topless photos that surfaced Monday are of Carly. Internet porn star Destiny Benedict admits she’s the one in the racy pics. addCustomPlayer('1xtvpwhgn455g1a12sbss32edu', '2D5CEC7F123744819B6DE4CE726F6B51', 'nwsek0nwpv5718h3rwj5c8jag', 425, 320, 'perf1xtvpwhgn455g1a12sbss32edu-nwsek0nwpv5718h3rwj5c8jag', 'eplayer15');

Source: http://www.celebtv.com/carly-rae-jepsen-nude-photo-scandal

Nicole Kidman Paris Hilton Anne Hathaway

The Gorgeous Barbi Twins And Ron Jeremy Almost Stopped A Crazed Killer

Over one year before psycho killer (qu'est que c'est!) Luka Rocco Magnotta was arrested in Berlin for  killing and dismembering a Chinese exchange student, the Barbi Twins, Ron Jeremy and an American animal-rights group put together a sting operation to catch that crazy bitch for viciously torturing kittens on videos he posted to the internet. Somebody please memorize that sentence and pitch it to David Lynch, because that mess needs to be a movie.

The Globe and Mail says that the animal-loving Barbi Twins and the animal abuser hunters at Rescue Ink asked Ron Jeremy to catch Magnotta in a scheme I hope they called To Catch A Kitten Predator. Since Magnotta was a bottom shelf porn actor in Canada, the plan was for Ron Jeremy to lure him to Hollywood with promises of a role in a big-budget porn movie. Once Magnotta got to the set, the Barbi Twins would've teetered out on exquisite lucite heels, beat him with their justice-serving tits and then the dudes from Rescue Ink would've turned that evil kitten murderer over to the police. But since Ron Jeremy is all dick with zero balls, he backed out. In an interview last year, Ron explained it like this:

?That?s a little bit out of my league, don?t you think? It?s like an episode from some TV show. The [guy] comes to the set with lube in one hand and his schmeckle in the other thinking he has a job, and the cops tackle him to the ground. That?s good for the movies. That doesn?t work in real life. I told Sia [one half of the gorgeous Barbi Twins] I?m willing to do things and help, do public service announcements, or whatever it takes. But I?m not a law-enforcement agent. How do I catch somebody??

Ron said that he was completely into the plan until Sia Barbi warned him that Magnotta might be capable of fucking up humans too (she was right). There were plans to set up a fake porn casting call to bring Magnotta in, but those plans were farted away after Ron said that he was too busy. Rescue Ink eventually abandoned all plans to catch that crazy even though they spent a long time gathering information on Magnotta to give to the police.

And that's your hourly dose of WHAT IN THE FUCK. The whole scheme is ridiculous, but I wish Ron Jeremy would've went through with it. It could've (but probably not) stopped Magnotta's reign of terror and my wish of waking up to the headline "The Barbi Twins Awarded Badges of Bravery By President Obama" would've come true.

And if the Barbi Twins still want to catch a kitten abuser, there's always Martha "Kitten Face Eater" Stewart....

Source: http://dlisted.com/2012/07/11/gorgeous-barbi-twins-and-ron-jeremy-almost-stopped-crazed-killer

Nicole Richie Justin Bieber Katy Perry

Fashion Fails of the Week

Diane Kruger and Emma Stone’s dresses fall short, Julie Bowen looks like an unwrapped present, and Aubrey O’Day shows way too much in her monokini! addCustomPlayer('1xtvpwhgn455g1a12sbss32edu', '2D5CEC7F123744819B6DE4CE726F6B51', 'zn7mg3ubzn451juy9ss8te5cj', 425, 320, 'perf1xtvpwhgn455g1a12sbss32edu-zn7mg3ubzn451juy9ss8te5cj', 'eplayer15');

Source: http://www.celebtv.com/fashion-fails-week-19

Natalie Portman Nicole Kidman Paris Hilton

Usher?s Step-son Brain Dead After Jet-Ski Accident

Kyle Glover, the 11-year-old son of Usher’s ex-wife, Tameka Foster Raymond, was inner-tubing in Atlanta’s Lake Lanier when he was struck in the head by a jet-ski. Usher reportedly chartered a private plane for Tameka to be by her son’s side. addCustomPlayer('1xtvpwhgn455g1a12sbss32edu', '2D5CEC7F123744819B6DE4CE726F6B51', '3x5k8svszsif198fupwryyyo1', 425, 320, 'perf1xtvpwhgn455g1a12sbss32edu-3x5k8svszsif198fupwryyyo1', 'eplayer15');

Source: http://www.celebtv.com/ushers-stepson-brain-dead-jetski-accident

Anne Hathaway Nicole Richie Justin Bieber

[ Singles & Dating ] Open Question : My boyfriend would rather sleep than help me with problems?

My boyfriend of 2 years who claims to love me very much, and says he would do anything for me, shows a lack of care. Am I over reacting though? I feel as though I cant always open up to him and when I do, like tonight I told him that I was feeling depressed midway thru convo instead of helping his crying gf he went to sleep... I thought boys who cared would talk until you're better? Unless I'm wrong?

Source: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20120711065934AAABfs1

Anne Hathaway Nicole Richie Justin Bieber